How To Inhale...

120,206 SUBSTANTIAL WORDS

By William Westmiller
09/11/98

All students of 27 Evelyn Woods Speed Reading Courses have been accounted for after a brief kidnapping episode by New York media outlets on Friday. In an apparent effort to digest the Starr Report in record time, students were each handed ten pages to read, then forced to write a one sentence synopsis. Broadcast outlets read the quick summaries directly into reporter's earplugs while they were on the air. Print media created short sidebars for insertion into every page of weekend editions. Some students are organizing a class action suit for cruel and unusual punishment. "It was ghastly," said one detainee, "I'll never read another legal document!"

Silicon valleys in Texas and California fed the report directly off the internet into computers, but with different approaches. In California, every word was indexed, cross-referenced and hyper-linked to create an interactive CD that would respond to any question about the President's "distinguishing features" in real time. In Austin, Texas, the feed was input to voice synthesizers that could read any passage when you called a 900 number with a touch-tone phone. The most popular simulation for the $4-per-minute calls was the voice of Phyllis Diller. Computer analysts were most pleased to find that Clinton is not "one in a million"; according to an FBI report, he's "one in 7.87 trillion Caucasians." That California group concluded that this was clear evidence of extra-terrestrial life-forms, since there aren't that many Caucasians on earth.

Disneyland and World will finalize plans Monday for new "StarrLand" attractions at both locations. Early sketches called for lines segregated by age code from "PG" to "XX". The Monica Coaster will have somewhere between 32 and 37 breath-taking turns, but the premier ride will be "It's A Small Bill Afterall", cruising through fifteen national tableaus, each focused on the President singing the same light-hearted tune with a different female companion.

Opening Tuesday in Minneapolis are two cultural exhibits. World-famous artists were each given two pages of the Starr Report and invited to create an impressionistic rendering intheir favored style. The entire gallery will be laid out in random sequence so that visitors can absorb the true meaning of the composite Referral. One room has been set aside for a "bigger than life-size" zipper. Meanwhile, a musical interpretation of the report will open at the newly renovated theater. Actually, in the nouveau style, it won't be an interpretation, but rather the "real life" words of the Starr text, rendered in Rap, Jazz, Waltz and Rumba styles, as appropriate for each chapter. Admission will be unusually high, since the National Endowment has flatly refused grant requests.

Many congregations will be surprised to find a wide variety of sermons ready for Saturday and Sunday services. The Crystal Cathedral had their flashing neon signs announcing "Oh Little Starr of Washington" by late Friday. Several small churches had posted the question: "Timothy 3:10 or Clinton 4:69?". Reform temples were still digesting the report, but assured congregants that "The End Is Near". Some clerics stuck with basics: "God Forgives - Even If Ken Can't".

Most publishers decided not the print the full Starr Report in Sunday editions. "We think readers will be better served by weekly installments," said one editor. "We'll be running a chapter every Sunday and daily analysis and commentary on it's real meaning during the week." National tabloids were despondent about headline competition and color editors were amazed to find no charts or graphs anywhere in the Starr tome. Paperback editions of the Report will come from at least 27 publishers, hitting bookshelves by Wednesday. Commitments on titles have been swift: "Ken's Kicker", "Twinkle, Twinkle" and "Credible, Edible" were already taken.

Every politician in Washington agreed that the Starr Report was either a "hatchet job" or a "really good hatchet job". All Representatives and Senators scheduled news conferences for 9 p.m. EST to offer their assurances that they would help the Nation through these "trying times". The Judicial Committee hearing room has been booked solid through 1999.

The President was not available for comment, as he was planning an extended diplomatic mission to Sri Lanka. "There's a lot of global warming at the White House," said one insider, "so we'd like to put the whole thing on ice." Has Hillary read the report yet? "That woman?", said one highly place Administration Official," She'll get it. More, rather than less. Sooner, rather than later."

c1998, William Westmiller
California Coordinator of the Republican Liberty Caucus
Past Candidate for the Republican Nomination for (24CD) Congress
Former National Secretary, California Chairman, Libertarian Party
starrep.c02 ~740 Words